Let me begin by mentioning the things that I liked about this production, because that won't take long at all. First, there is a nice moment when Rosencrantz (Ty Molbak) and Guildenstern (Danny Zuhlke) whisper to each other, and that is what leads to Hamlet's questioning whether they were in fact sent for, a nice little bit of business. The second thing I liked was the moment when Hamlet (Patrick Ball) goes to kill Claudius (Ariel Shafir) when he is praying. In this production, Hamlet doesn't hesitate. He goes up and cuts his throat. And then there is a lighting and sound cue, and Hamlet is again downstage of Claudius (who faces away from the audience in his prayers), and we see that Hamlet was just imagining doing the deed. That wasn't bad. But the thing I liked most about this production was Gertrude's gorgeous fur coat. Yup, that full-length white fur was far and away the best thing about this production. Enough about that.
I knew we were in trouble from the beginning, because the first scene is cut. That's right, the opening scene of Hamlet is cut from this production. Why would anyone do that? And then when we do finally see the Ghost, it is done is such a ridiculous and confusing way, with four actors sort of miming the Ghost's part, while a giant face on the screen speaks the Ghost's lines. Awful. Barnardo and Marcellus are completely cut from the production. Before any of that happens, however, we are introduced to Hamlet and Ophelia (Coral Pena), which is not a bad idea. I actually like when productions show us a bit of the relationship between those two in a wordless way near the beginning. But here, well, Hamlet and Ophelia are basically fucking. That is how the production starts, and then Claudius and Gertrude (Gina Torres) enter, and we get the second scene of the play. At this point, I was only disliking the production, and had not yet come to loathe it. The performances are not good. That is the nicest possible way I can state that. It wasn't that far into the play when I thought, "I'm looking forward to this Hamlet's death." All sorts of lines are cut, and entire, well-known, speeches. Polonius' speeches to both Laertes and Ophelia are cut, for fuck's sake. And so later when Ophelia returns Hamlet's letters, people might wonder, "Why is she doing that?" The part where Polonius tells Claudius and Gertrude that he's discovered the reason for Hamlet's current state is also cut. So many cuts. Hell, this production has just one Player. How could one Player deliver 'The Mousetrap'?" you ask? Well, I'll tell you: very poorly.
But the cuts are not the worst of it. Far from the worst, in fact. Some words are changed, so "bare bodkin" becomes "bare dagger," for example. Maybe you're thinking that's not too serious. And maybe it isn't. But at one point, Hamlet actually calls Gertrude a "come dump," which is pretty far from what Shakespeare wrote, or even meant. I assumed I hadn't heard that correctly, and asked my friend Kate, who assured me that is what the asshole said. But long before that, we had to watch Hamlet and Horatio doing the swearing business regarding the Ghost. You probably remember that Hamlet makes Horatio swear upon his sword not to reveal what he has seen and heard. Well, in this play there are no swords. Can you guess what this terrible Hamlet refers to when mentioning his sword? Yes, he tells Horatio to suck his cock. I'm not kidding. Swearing upon the sword means sucking Hamlet's dick in this production. That was the moment when I started to loathe this production. But these assholes weren't done with their dick-sucking references. You might recall that wonderful scene from Shakespeare's play where Hamlet confronts Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, using the metaphor of the pipe. Well, here playing the pipe also becomes sucking Hamlet's dick. I kind of wish Robert O'Hara had just sucked Patrick Ball's cock in private and gotten this whole mess out of his system without having to attack the public with his juvenile garbage. This production isn't just bad, it is aggressively bad.
And that still isn't the worst of it. When you think they're about to get into the duel and end the goddamn pain for the audience, instead a detective or lawyer or... you know, it doesn't matter what he is. He has no business being in Hamlet. Anyway, this bastard enters and begins questioning Horatio about the final scene in some kind of pathetic attempt at deconstructing the play. And then it goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on. And it turns out Ophelia is still alive, having faked her death (seriously), and they begin to reenact scenes, but in modern language. (All of Ophelia's mad scenes were cut anyway.) Somewhere in there, my friend Kate suggested we leave. I was tempted, but felt some perverse need to see how it ended. And it went on and on and on and on. And the characters started mentioning that Hamlet believed himself to be in a Shakespearean production. So in this world, suddenly, Shakespeare exists. If that's the case, shouldn't these characters be surprised that they all have names from one of Shakespeare's plays and seem to be living its plot? But no, they're not that self-aware. If you didn't hate all the characters before this, you certain despised them all now, which has to be the point. Robert O'Hara wants us all to hate Hamlet as much as he does, but what happens is that we just end up hating Robert O'Hara. It's clear he thinks he's smarter than Shakespeare, a better writer than Shakespeare. He isn't. He possesses not even the smallest fraction of talent that Shakespeare had. I hope to never again be subjected to anything this moron does.
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